January 8th,
2014
I think it is awesome that I can
sit down and document this day. The day I finally decided to hold the hand of
my Lord. He has been extending this hand to me for years. His presence I feel in times of trial and
pain, but also in joyous moments where I know He is with me and watching over
me.
Discussing my struggles out loud is
not something I have ever been good at. Actually, I would never consider myself
to have any “true struggles” before this year but I know that everything about
that statement is dead wrong. My struggles I just hid because I liked living my
life the way that I wanted to live. Many times in my life I have been to
concerned about my “image” but over this past year though I have learned so
much about the power of forgiveness. The image I want people to see me for is
composed of who I am. This means my triumphs, my mistakes, my values, my
passions, and my faith.
Over the past year I have
questioned what God is doing in my life. Why would He bring hurt and evil,
bring earthly love and taketh it away, expose me to nonbelievers, have my past
revisit me, and allow me to experience the death of a beloved loved one. I literally hit a point in this past year
where I remember waking up and wondering how my heart was still breathing. It
is true we may never understand what He is doing. Something about the strange
beauty of not understanding though is what makes us human. God himself is the
only one that is all knowing., so I believe we should let that be His job. The
path you have planned of course is not what He has planned, but loving God
means having faith in His bigger picture for my life. I know that all these
things He is using to shape me into the disciple that He wants me to be. I
needed to experience those things for me to truly open my eyes and receive His
grace and mercy. What a beautiful gift it is to receive!
I feel my personal struggle this
year has been forgiveness. Grudges are never something I have ever enjoyed
feeling towards others, a situation, or myself. I try to play the blame game or
“figure it out” just so I don’t have to feel angry. But this year I have
learned to hold myself accountable for my mistakes. It took me a long time to
forgive myself. Actually, it did not hit me till this summer when people I had
never met accepted me for who I was not judging me on my obvious mistake. But
then I think maybe I forgave myself too much if I was willing to experience
this all over again after it about destroyed me the first time.
God does not lead you to any trial
you cannot overcome. This time I feel such peace that He gives me strength. I
am no longer relying on another person for my comfort and strength but on a God
that I know will NEVER let me down. His love for me is unconditional and it
fills my heart with happiness that He is putting me through pain for me to
FINALLY see His light.
Tug, tug, tug. You know when there
is that one thing that you know you should do but just don’t do it. I have been
living like that the past 4 years. Coming into college I knew faith was
important to me, but how important was it if getting drunk and making out with
boys was my lifestyle. God knows I am worth so much more than that; it is time
I start believing it too.
I will never be perfect and I know
God does not expect perfection from me. I do believe that He wants to change my
heart but have me stay the same. I have gifts that He has given me that I want
to continue to use in my life. Some of these gifts I see in myself include;
bringing people together, giving straightforward advice, being a giver and
showing unconditional love to those that deserve it the least. I just feel like
God wants to use me in His plan for someone else’s life. I hope that I can grow
and learn and be able to share my story.
So today, January 8th,
2014, I ask you God to accept me. Hold my hand through the good and the bad.
Guide me. Make me into the daughter that You have always known I would be. I’m
sorry it has taken me so long to love you with my whole heart. I am here and I
am ready. I know that You can handle me and that You want to always love me.
Thank you for forgiving me of my mistakes, sins, and bad habits. I know I have
not been living my life in a Godly way and my tears show both You and I that
acknowledgement. You make my heart happy! I am excited I really am. Just with
any new relationship there is so much to know about you! If you have any
questions about me, please just ask.
I feel You. Moments when I feel you
are my favorite moments. I can feel Your hand on me. I feel it right now as I’m
writing this. A tear is rolling down my cheek, but unlike most times when I
have cried this past year this time it is for good. There is so much good in
Your grace and salvation. I am beyond lucky to have such a loving Father.
Hold me and help me all the days of
my life. I love you God. I trust you with my whole heart.
Today and every day. Forever and
Always.
Love,
Brittany Berneitta Nelson
“The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace
and glory; no good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly.” Psalm
84:11
This is my favorite Bible verse. I know that You will never
withhold any good thing from my life. Thank you.
