2 steps forward, 1 step back

Sometimes it is hard for me to fully comprehend and understand my life. This is probably a typical statement of most humans. It's like I come so far with God, feel so close to Him, only to fall back into old habits and sinful nature. I find myself in control again. When I am in control that is when my world crashes down. So why is it so hard just to let God ALWAYS be in control? Especially when I find such peace in His plan?

Because I am human.

We were created in God's image. We were made to mirror Him. I think one thing about God that I have been learning and fully grasping is the God also has emotion. We make him happy, sad, confused, excited, lonely, mad, and any and all in between. That is why it is okay to feel emotion.

Sometimes I think I feel too much emotion.

Like sometimes I wish I cared less or cared more. That I would be able to just move forward without thinking about all the things I should've, could've, would've done in a different place or time. It is hard sometimes to find peace in our decisions. Confidence in life and love in the uncertain future. The only thing that is making sense to me right now is the unconditional everlasting Father God. He is my refuge and strength. I find my comfort in Him. Some days are better than others. I hope to find complete trust in Him everyday soon.

I need to let go of the things and people that weigh my heart down.

If I am reborn with new eyes I need to stop squinting with them. When they are fully open I become aware of the mercy and glory of God. When I squint I lose some of that focus.

Help me keep my eyes open.

God, You are with me. You are for me. You are my best friend. You hold my hand and direct my steps.

With all my love. Thank You.
-Brittany

God gave me a no; I need to give Him a thank you.

Clarity.

I feel like the word clarity can be both extremely satisfying and scary all at once. It is having the faith to accept the things that we can not change and let it go to God. For months now I feel as if I had clarity but my human heart full of self-control simply wanted to over look it. That I just did not want to choose to see the cold hard facts of life in front of me.

But honestly over the past 3 months the only thing that has made sense is God.

There was my clarity. I must trust in His plan for my life.

I really enjoy the song "All Along" by Remedy Drive. I think it just speaks to my heart is such powerful ways. Sometimes I get caught up in this search. A search for worldly desires that I know will never fully satisfy my heart, especially when separated from God. In the lyrics it talks about how God was always right there.

I know He was and I thank Him. He has seen every tear, heard every cry, and knows my heart.

It's not everything it seems, the world and its dreams
Slipping like water through my hands tonight
All the things I thought would fill me up inside
Left me empty here and now I know why

All along I was looking for something else
You're something else
All along I was looking for something more
You're so much more
I finally found what I could never see before
You've always been the one that I was looking for

All of my castles in the sand, washed away again
And I'm left right where I began tonight
The only thing that can ever fill me up
Has been right in front of me all the time

All along I was looking for something else
You're something else
All along I was looking for something more
You're so much more
I finally found what I could never see before
You've always been the one that I was looking for

And I won't miss you, I won't miss you this time
And I said I want you, how I want you in my life

All along I was looking for something more
You're so much more

All along I was looking for something else
You're something else

All along I was looking for something more
You're so much more

I finally found what I could never see before
You've always been the one that I was looking for
I finally found what I could never see before
You've always been the one that I was looking for

My Heart rejoices in finding and accepting the One that I was always looking for. 

Love,
Brittany 

Trust. Peace. Joy. Intertwined.

It is hard to explain what God has been doing with my heart. I have been waking up with new clear eyes filled with love and joy for the world around me.

I'm starting to feel like myself again. Like the pain I once knew daily is slowly being washed away. My heart is breathing. I am spending time trusting God, finding peace, and letting joy radiate from my being.

I still struggle. I do not want to continue to live a double life but find the balance that is necessary when being a Christian. I know God's grace now but I also know that because I know He forgives it does not mean that He is happy when I continue to sin. I pray in my heart to become more conscious of my actions and sinful nature. I am human. But I am God's child.

When I spend time in the morning with God it brings me such excitement. There is always something to learn, a question to ask, and a way that I can flip to any random page in my Bible and find a verse that applies to my life.

The Bible is my new favorite book to read.

I am so excited for this summer. JAX will be an adventure. I have a feeling God is going to use me is ways that I can not even imagine or comprehend. I am excited to be surrounded by uplifting believers, people that I hope to learn from more and more. Even lately when I have been surrounding myself with people who love Jesus it brings me such joy. They have been accepting and simply them asking about my day brings a smile to my face.

Brothers and sisters in Christ show the most genuine love for life. I believe this is because we want to love like God.

This verse is something that I strive for and have seen become beyond applicable in my recent circumstances.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8

I love love. God's love.

When I intertwine trust, peace, and joy in my Savior my heart can love again, breathe again, believe again and hope. Hope in a future that only God's will can prevail.

Happy Wednesday.
-Brittany

Befriending the enemy.

Spending time with God has become literally my favorite part of my day. I never knew that establishing a routine of forming a personal relationship with Him could bring me such joy. Many things spoke to me today letting me know that I am healing, growing, and trusting Him. When I trust Him I find the peace and joy that only He can bring to my life.

Today's devotion made me cry almost has hard as on January 8th when I first decided to hold the Lord's hand. He is always speaking to me and it is almost ironic how spot on and relevant to my life His words are to my heart. Today's devotion brought to light everything that has happened to me and gave me reassurance that where I am, right now, today, is exactly where God has always intended me to be.
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March 5th

"MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE PROBLEMS IN YOUR LIFE. Though many things feel random and wrong, remember that I am sovereign over everything. I can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent the you trust Me. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you, and you will have to choose many times each day whether to trust Me or defy Me.

The best way to befriend your problems is to thank Me for them. This simple act opens your mind to the possibility of benefits flowing from your difficulties. You can even give persistent problems flowing from your difficulties. You can even give persistent problems nicknames, helping you to approach them with familiarity rather than with dread. The next step is to introduce them to Me, enabling Me to embrace them in My loving Presence. I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them.
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How cool is our God. It's a slow realization how much my problems have become my closest friends. They consume my time and my mind and through them I have been able to find comfort and peace in my Savior. The darkness brings forth His light. It is scary but when I think about my life and the trials I have recently lived through, I know for a fact that I would not feel this close to God if those problems had never occurred. So should I be thankful for these new found friends, yes. Even in the midst of confusion I must find understanding that this is God's will.

Tonight I went to Catholic Mass for the Lent service. I have been expanding my horizons lately and although there are many things that bother me about the Catholic faith I know that in the end we all worship the same God no matter what laws of the word we believe. I want to learn to love like God and be a friend in Christ to those that I find it the hardest to forgive. But as in the Lord's Prayer I pray and confirm in my heart "Forgive those who trespass against us." In this I am finding peace. Peace in things that I do not understand or have concrete answers too. Being a friend and supporting the growth of faith in those I love makes my heart happy. God is the only way that I can make sense out of certain feelings and thoughts that I have recently been experiencing. It is exciting to be able to share with others all that I am learning about His Word.

The Holy Spirit is living in me. I am holding God's right hand. My heart is becoming filled with praise and thanksgiving for the life that I am living: past, present & future.

Happy Season of Lent! Indeed, it is good to be alive and to know His grace and mercy. I pray that God continues to let His light shine in me. That He uses me as an instrument for His kingdom.

Most of all, I pray for peace within my circumstances. My problems are my friends.

I love you Lord.
-Brittany