Thoughts I Ponder

Sometimes it amazes me the thoughts that You put in my head God. Like what if tomorrow was my last day on Earth. Would I be able to trust You fully and not be afraid to die. But isn't dying the most beautiful thing on Earth that we can do here. When we die we are one step closer to seeing and knowing You. Meeting You. I think that is really exciting but my human heart is scared.

Have I made an impact on people up to this point in my life?

If I died tomorrow would people say good things or bad things about me? It doesn't matter. What truly matters is where I stand with You. Where my heart is when I take my final breath. I want it to be believing in You.

You have done such great things in my life over this past year. It has been difficult at times to see Your light and to truly understand what You are doing but i'm starting to get it. And get it well. It's really cool how much I want to pursue You. Yes, I will mess up. Yes, I will fail You. Yes, I will always have things I can improve on.

My favorite part about being Your best friend is that You always forgive me, believe in me, and wants what is best for me. You tell me the truth. Give me answers and make all things beautiful in it's time. Including myself.

I feel You giving me new desires for my life. Desires to follow You, share Your word, and rely on You completely. I used to think I knew what made me happy in life and what my future profession was going to be. But with You all things are possible. You know the desires of my heart and I trust You to guide me and lead me. I know You will never not provide.

I am so excited for JAX. I pray you make me vulnerable. I want to share my story. You gave me a story to share. Thank you for blessing me with the new friends in my life.

It is never too late.
Love,
Brittany

Failure.

Oh how I fail the God I love.
I fail Him often and in times and ways that I never intend.
I need to choose Him. Choose Him always.

I apologize for ways I have failed. But I know that I will fail again, and again, and again.

Living in God, with God, loving like God is hard. It's suppose to be hard.

The road to righteousness is not meant to be easy. I pray God guides my words, thoughts, and actions. I don't like failure. Help me overcome.

Day by Day.
--Brittany

Carrying the Cross on campus because the One who died for sin, knew no sin.

God keeps putting things on my heart. Thoughts, words, actions that ultimately push me outside of my comfort zone. It's amazing I use to hold back from these thoughts but lately I have realized that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Today I grasp another opportunity that God laid on my heart. To join a group of students with the Navigators to help carry a 200 lb. cross across campus.

I have never experienced something more real, humbling, and powerful.

As I arrived at church this morning I did not know what to think. I become thankful that I have a heart that loves people because I have had to introduce myself to a lot of strangers lately. But the best thing about Christians that I am experiencing is the overwhelming amount of love that flows from their beings. Before we went out we read passages from Isaiah and Mark by doing so we prepared our hearts for the task at hand.

The cross was heavy to carry but the weight of our sins is heavier than imaginable.

As we stepped onto campus with the cross and the stares started I suddenly felt emotion. Not just a little emotion. ALOT as in tears forming in my eyes.

It was surreal the stares and looks we got. Some people took it in, look upon in somber and encouragement. Others you could tell were trying to ignore the fact we were even there. It is amazing how diverse a campus and it's people can be to certain topics. I usually shy away from having an open opinion on things so maybe that is why this morning when I was standing up for what I believe in it hit me so hard.

I am happy that I did not shy away from this task God put on my heart. Carrying His cross was hard. I made it a ways before I could feel it wobble. As I was carrying it these thoughts crossed my mind:
1. Wow this is heavy, I must keep going.
2. This is real. I am glad I pushed myself out of my comfort-zone.
3. Jesus loves me.
4. I carry the cross because I am a sinner.

-I have never experienced something more humbling.

I'm learning to care less about what others may think. People are not scary. I just want to continue to follow my heart to what I find making me happy. Right now that is God. I'm falling in love with God every day. And I LOVE IT.

This past year as I touch base on a lot---it just marvels me how God has shown me Him. It makes my heart happy, I want to make His heart happy.

Carrying the cross today on campus is an experience that will forever live in my heart. It gives me a real perspective to approach Good Friday with today. He died for me. For my sins. For your sins. For the sins of the world. He did this with out complaining for He knew His Father's will.

It is done.

-Thank you Jesus.
Love,
Brittany

Overwhelmed.

Here I am again. Feeling overwhelmed and filled with love for God. This is what I truly find so much happiness in these days. The days where I feel close to Him. Making decisions that I know are right in His eyes.

He is my best friend. I think this is something that I take for granted so often. I am a natural talker, giver, and lover. Why have I not seen that the one person who loves me the most is still here with me (despite my mistakes), He loves me beyond any human feeling that I could ever possess.

How beautiful.

I love love. God's love is the best love. I need to see that. Sometimes I feel like in life all I want is love from others and to give my love to others. But honestly, the more I am realizing things, seeing the big picture. I need to thank you God.

Thank You for not giving me what I thought was right. This excites me in ways I never thought my broken heart would be able to comprehend. It means when the time is right You will bring me to not good, but better. I can't wait.

Today I read the beginning of Revelation. I find myself questioning a lot of things in life. A lot of things in the Bible. And just a lot of times where I find my mind wondering asking myself what do I believe. As I read I seriously started to cry. The words I was reading painted a perfect picture of the Lord's second coming. It was scary, real, and beautiful all at the same time.

Faith must live in me and in my heart. I want it to overwhelm every aspect of my being. I want to be overwhelmed with a love for the short life I live and find purpose in each day.

Who knows, today could be your last day.
Don't wait.
Love God now.

Help me to continue to be overwhelmed by the beautiful never ending love that you give me daily. I loved last night when I asked You for a hug at Greekside and I felt it. I felt it strong and I know that You just want me to continue to pursue You. Keep holding my hand.

I love you Lord.
-Brittany

Center of It-Chris August

This song spoke to my heart today. Gives me such hope. :) God wants to hold my hand to help me back up.
-------When I rise, when I fall, You will be there for it all. --------

In the loss, in the win,
In the beauty and the sin,
At the start, at the end,
In the center of, the center of it.

Live for Love

Hello, Hello.

I am letting emotion get the best of me today. I pray that God gives me the strength to live happy within His presence.

I wanted to share with you an accomplishment and a tear that rolled down my cheek last night at Gamma Phi chapter meeting. Yes, I finally got the love book written to me. Miss Hannah Riggle has shown me such love and compassion always, but more recently. I admire her and how driven and passion for Christ and the multitude of questions that she always wants to ask. She started to speak and I knew it was me.

"This girl I have just more recently become close too but I have truly admired her craft skills and fashion sense since freshman year, this one's for you Miss Brittany Nelson...."

I know I have not always been the strongest personality in the house and many times I wish I would of let girls get to know me better but at the same time I have always cherished the opportunities and memories that I will hold onto of the sisterhood. Hannah said such kind words about me speaking that I have the most genuine bright smile and I always make others feel included and loved. I always see the best in every person and circumstance. She is excited for me this summer going to JAX and knows that God is doing big things in my life.

It is beyond touching to hear words as these spoken to you. The tear that rolled down my face was one of happiness that others see me as these words.

I want my life to look like Your love, Christ. I struggle many times but I like to feel like at the end of the day my heart is in the right place. Life with out love is nothing. I want to live for love.

Love for God. Love for myself. Love for others. Love for life. A beautiful life.

Every day is a blessing. No matter what my circumstances or how my human heart is feeling I need to see the hope in the future and love the unknown. God wants to use me. I must be thankful for the challenges He has faced me with because this is His way of showing me that He is not done with me. I have room to grow as a person.

Thank you God. I may not understand now but someday I will.
-Brittany

Change

Lately I have found myself pondering the many aspects of the current situations and endings in my life that I will be faced with, simply said things will be changing. I have been thinking about the things that I need to change, the things that I can not change, the change that is inevitable, and the change I will need to accept.

I must remember that change can be a good thing.

I always feel attached to the seasons of my life. Thinking about being a senior brings back emotion in me that I felt four years ago. Here I am again where I must say goodbye to people and places and the way things have been the past four years. College is coming to an end?

Did I make the most of it?

Yes. Sure there were many missed activities, events, and people that I could of invested my time into. But I have full faith that God's plan for my college career was in His hands. He has taught me so much, sometimes in the most painful ways, but I know that He is shaping me into the woman of God I was intended to be.

I am not the same person I was last year at this time. It amazes me how much better I know myself, my purpose, and my strength.

My heart is strong, forgiving, and loving. I love my heart. Sure, I have my bad days where I am completely human and think/do sinful things towards others but my pure nature is giving and loving and nothing makes my heart more happy.

Maybe that is why I am sad that this season is coming to a close. That many of my friends will be relocating and that it will be up to us to decide the friendship. I think my loving heart wants to keep giving.

Change is good if you see it in the perspective of being right and just. I do not fear the future. God holds me by His right hand.

Room to improve.

I want to title this post being completely blunt and honest with myself. I have a ton of room to grow. Walking with Christ will never be easy. I am learning first hand the many struggles that I face. Just when I think or feel like I have myself together my actions don't match my words and I lose sight of God's love for me.

I have room to improve.

When I feel like I let God down it also takes me time to realize that he still loves me. Just because I make many mistakes does not mean that His hand isn't still extended to me. I need to grasp it and I need to hold it firmly.

There are many areas in my life I need to work on. I need to have self-control and not let alcohol influence me in selfish sinful ways. It is hard for me but admitting it to myself and asking for help from faithful friends is the only way I feel I will be able to overcome these sins.

Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can't lose.

When I have clear eyes and a heart full of love for God. I know that is something I can not lose.

So pray for me. Today, tomorrow, always that I will continue to admit my flaws and improve upon them.

-Brittany

Compelled to write.

I feel compelled. Here I am laying in bed, I have 3 test tomorrow and should be studying BUT nothing in me more feels the need to just write every thought that is on my heart tonight.

I want to take the time to be thankful. One of the first things that I am thankful for tonight is that I have the heart for writing down my love of life.

Sometimes my biggest breakthroughs and answers come when I simply write without an end goal or purpose. Simply to just write whatever I am feeling at the time. I pull out journal entries from years ago and when I read them I realize how much I have learned and grown since I wrote them. Nostalgically though they take me back to that exact moment and time in my life when I was writing them. Sometimes this feeling is one of joy and other times it is bitter sweet. All in all it makes me realize just how much God has always been working in my life. And just how much I never saw the real picture when I was trying to control my life.

I am thankful for my mistakes. I am thankful for the people God has put into my life; blessings and lessons. I am beyond thankful that God is pursuing me so hard right now that the peace I'm finding is unreal. He definitely is always up to something. Every time I think I know I realize I knew nothing at all. When I read what I wrote and then read another entry 4 months later it makes me realize the beautiful and unpredictable life I live.

I wouldn't have it any other way. God gave me the heart for writing that I can have tangible words that are from my soul speaking. If I would die tomorrow I would want people to read the notes I have written to God about life, the hopeless yet "I can't wait to love the shit out of you & pray for you often" book of notes I write for my future husband, and many random thoughts I often find myself jotting down in class or at the strangest moments when I suddenly get the urge too.

I would want people to read these things because I feel when I write I give a little piece of my heart into it each time. There is nothing more vulnerable than that very thing---giving pieces of your heart to others.

This leads me compelled to write is the best way possible.

I have a lot to give. A lot of love to give. Why have I not been giving it to the one who loves me most?

Aww! I just know that God is doing great things in my life and heart right now. I just need to keep focusing on Him and finding comfort and peace in His plan for my life.

Love,
Brittany

Unanswered Answers

Can you truly have answers that are unanswered? Like not having a definite answer is perfectly the correct answer to have? Lately, this is the thought I have pondered. A thought that coming from a "self proclaimed control freak" is not something that likely crosses my mind. I use to think things should be like this, go this way, and everything in life will work out just as planned.

But God's plan is the best plan. The best part about his plan, we have no idea what He has in store for us. This has lead me to have peace with unanswered answers. What would the fun be in life if the answers were at the back of the book. I almost feel like it would diminish multitude areas of life that we must live through and experience to find, know, and understand God's will for us. He doesn't want to give us answers until He has an answer to give.

God has perfect timing.

It is not our own timing.

Something that I see God really showing me is how to have an all knowing patient heart with those I care most about. It is hard sometimes to want to question why God is bringing me to these trials, why He is teaching me my lessons the hard way, why He doesn't give me the direct answers that I want. It would be easy to become simply angry with Him. But why, what would be the point in anger. There is none.

Trusting Him is a beautiful thing and nothing gives my heart more peace. I know if I focus on Him and love Him first and foremost that He will give me all of my hearts desires. He knows me. Nobody knows me better. This I can only thank Him for the ways He had to pursue me hard.

I am getting eager, anxious, and sadden about the approach of the life I know now ending. Another chapter in my life closing. Another goodbye to a unknown future. What is next in my life? Who will God put in my story? How will I change from the woman I am today to the woman I will be a year from now?

The unanswered answer, only God knows. And i'm perfectly okay with this.

-Love,
Brittany